Pompetous of Love

I spent half an hour yesterday trying to figure out those lyrics. I don't know why, because Steve Miller is not usually on my radar. The phrase just sort of shuffled into my brain and sat down in the corner stinking up the place.

At first was kinda pissed at Mr. Miller, making up goofy shit that drives people like me crazy. Then I got a little jealous. He had the balls to just present a word into the lexicon and then abandon it (the story's on straightdope.com, look it up yourself) I don't think I could do that, I'd probably have to stick around and nurture it, watch it grow, champion it.

But it grew up just fine without him didn't it? There's even a movie about it.

Whatever....

I have a kid. Really almost a man. He actually puts most of the adults I know to shame, myself included. He's so fucking kind and responsible and noble....sometimes it makes me want to puke, I am so jealous. Don't get me wrong - he's not the second coming of Christ or anything. He does lots of stupid shit. But that steel core of decency is awe-inspiring at times. I think he makes me a better person by proximity.

His biological dad has been near my son twice - once as a newborn and again as a toddler. See, I lied to his dad when I was pregnant. I was a kid and my parents told me that if I involved Jason (bio dad) they wouldn't help me or the baby.

They are reasonably well-off, not wealthy but my siblings and I never wanted for anything. So there was the choice - since I refused to have the abortion mom was pushing, I'd better damn-well make sure Jason stayed out of the picture.

What a choice - a beautiful stoner and convicted-felon bartender whom I loved unrequitedly for six years or a future for my unborn baby.

So I lied to the fucker. He was so relieved he didn't have to pay child support, he pretended to believe me.

Pompetous of love indeed....

Falling

Have you ever felt that even gravity is giving up on you? That maybe the next time you step out the door, you'll be flung out into space at a (hopefully) terminal velocity?

For the last month or so, I've felt that daily. Like I'm at the top of the Tower of Terror for the second drop and my guts are in my chest as I anticipate the fall...but this time I'm not in Disney World and there's no happy ending.

I feel like I need to push everyone I care about as far from me as possible. I don't want them near me because I'm afraid they'll get sucked out into the vacuum with me if they're too close.

It hurts to talk, hurts to listen hurts to do anything and I fucking hate myself for being so pathetic and cliche. Twenty years ago I was spouting my painful garbage into my black journal, confident I was the only girl in the world who felt things as deeply and tragically as I did. What crap. Now I laugh at the little emo kids, penning dark prose, wearing dark clothes (losers, I used to buy the shit you pay top dollar for at the Sally Ann and Army Surplus) and hair and makeup artfully designed to gain notice.

Meh

What do you do when that shit follows you like herpes? Therapy, drugs, more drugs, more therapy...fuck it. I've done the Freudian shit and behavioural shit and taken more drugs than Keith Richards.

So here it is, random bullshit that I can post and no one will read. I don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings, or play the bullshit game with therapists, I'll just dump my garbage here, and see if it helps me get through the day